Love triangle

27th Jan 2025

I'm almost thirty. I've been in four proper relationships and a fair number of short-lived flings, romances, situationships and friends-with-benefits-its. And I have never told any woman that I love her.

I've heard it.. well, a few times. It might have slipped out during sex. Or got whispered quietly in the middle of the night. Other times still, it was declaimed with care. Announced. Read from a letter. Cried out. Texted after we have already split up.

I was never able to honestly say it back.

My views on the meaning of love had evolved. Maybe because of my Catholic upbringing, I have always had an almost-religious admiration, however hyporcitical this sounds in the context of life described above. If I am to be honest, the primary consideration is purely aesthetical. But still, I have tried to derive some sort of theory, justification or just a definition for what I do and why I do it.

One perspective is that saying I love you is a scarce symbol. It's a gift. Sort of like virginity (used to be) for women, or commitment (still is) for men. It doesn't matter - although, I have to say, it offends my sensibilities - that the world is putting those words on bilboards advertising beer. There is private language, where it still carries value.

This still feels a bit reductionist, not to say pretentious. It is a symbol, sure, but a symbol of what? When should I decide to say it? Who should i seek to give it to?

My current theory is that there are three dimensions to love.


First, being a lover. Masculinity and feminity Cuteness, strength. "Ohh" moments. Sexual attraction, and sex itself. Jealousy - which I consider to be a good sign, a neccessary side effect of romantic possessiveness, which stems from the overwhelming desire. Compatibility of touch. Crossing the boundaries. Eros.

Then, being a friend. Joy, sharing moments, silly games, discussions, kindness, being alone in a room full of other people, shared background, jokes. Spending time together and not being tired of each other. Trying out new hobbies. Teaching and learning. Philia.

Finally, being a partner. Admiration, inspiration and respect. Being impressed. Building a project: a family, but also all that comes from the frame of shared responsibility. The "jungle test". Knowing that I can rely on her, and she on me, putting all my weight on the belay, methaporically. Trust, both in the abilities, and in the fact that we always have each other backs. Pragma.

Those are all conditions - not all necessary and not all sufficient - for being in love. Being in love is a feeling: much more than a crush (which usually only involves one of those aspects), but still, an involuntary reaction. So the final missing element is the conscious decision, to give the gift and say the words, which are one and the same. Stamping the wax seal, tying the knot.

There are still some aspects that I don't understand. For example: what is the time dimension? Is love necessarily life-long? What about when being in love disappears? It clearly seems that being a lover might easily get lost - we don't fully control the physical attraction.

This is all written only in the context of romantic love. What about family, or children in particular? How does it all transfer into friendships?

Then, there is also the question of sacrifice. Does the commitment mean that I am valuing the other person's life on par with my own? Does it create an obligation to give my life for hers? Should it?